"What I love the most about him, is he tells me I’m BEAUTIFUL everyday."
complicated love.
“Everyone always slowly drifts away, from the reach where i cant hold.”
All past relationships have been gone. I threw away and deleted what left I had of nothing. Of course, sexy T, always there when I call. But l’ve grown tired of that. A relationship of lust, nothing ever going further. Recently, I’ve come encounter with someone old but very new. B! A family friends, thats how I know him. And no one likes me with him. Maybe the fact that he’s six years older than me, or the fact that he has a bad reputation for himself. He tends to put on the bad boy act, but thats what they see.. the negatives, of him. Yes he does bad things, smokes entirely way to much and a bit of an alcoholic. My Aunt caught me kissing him behind the car, two o’clock in the morning and told my mom. All the wild, he makes me feel like a teenage dream. If only people can see him. How truely amazing he really is. So caring and honest. He’s the sweetest person. He know’s so much about me, I told him things I never even told my bestfriend. Constantly telling me it’s okay, that I dont need to be so strong sometimes. That I can let my guard down around him. I still put up a strong front, no doubt. Only cause I’m scared of letting someone get close again. But it happening very slowly, my walls are coming down. If only he knew how much I care for him. If only my MOM knew how much I care for him. I know she’s only protecting me, but how would I know if i don’t try and make mistakes and fall in and out of love on my own.
After a lil while, everyone slowly disappears and your left with nothing. Sadly, I’m okay with that.
forever alone.
Skinny Love
About a week ago, T has been texting me non stop. I love talking to him. He makes me feel save. Even though all his talks lead up to getting my ass. I’d rather have it that way then not having him at all. But are latest serious conversation, he wanted me to spend the night at his house!!! Wha? And cuddle with clothes on. He wanted to take me out, and hangout outside of his house. I was shocked. I don’t know if I was over thinking everything, or idk. But I asked him, “Why all of a sudden you want to do all these things now?” as of course he didn’t understand what I was asking..
I just wish for something so much more with him. I’m not going to rush anything, but then again I don’t want to loose my chance. Help!!
16 December 2011
Finally home, and i think im finally ready to let some of it all out.
Well.. Friday i had a doctors appointment for a simple shot. Then, one thing led to another. Now my odds aren’t looking so good for me. Cancer. It runs through my family, but you never think you can have it. Nothings fer sure, we still have to run some more tests and find out if it is or not.
It freaks me out, because my aunt had it and my symptoms are exactly like hers. I also recently just had a dream about her. So what was it suppose to be. Is she trying to tell me something?
My negative thoughts make me second guess everything also. Like because i was thinking so negative, that this is my punishment. A little part of me is okay with that, sad to say.
I only told one of my brothers, about my situation. I don’t want them all to know because i dont want everything to be weird around me. But he came and talk to me yesterday, and it made me tear up so much. Truely just reminded me how amazing my family can be. But i can’t even tell my cousin, my bestfriend, my everything. Im so scared for her to know, for her to look and think of me differently.
..
I cross my fingers, wish on shooting stars and tell myself in my dreams that he’ll wake up one day and finally see whats been in front of him all along!! But for now, i day dream. Idk if you read my latest post, but my dreams lately been nightmares that i wish would come true. HELP!!!!
he’s the only thing i have thats anywhere close to something real.
Welp, i guess im back! I finally have something to talk about. Don’t get your hopes up. Nothing to exciting. Just T. The only one left of every guy that ever came into my life. Because everyone in my life walks out of it: for a little while, or forever. Im starting to accept it. Not getting to close to people. “Everybody always leaves” But recently, the thought came to me, maybe it’s not them who leaves. Maybe it’s me??
T, texted me today. He posted this status about a girl, that he can’t figure out. So i asked him about. Were good friends, but were also really good friends. If you know what i mean? Well when he said he recently stopped trying, i sat there with a puzzled look upon my face. He really only texts me, wanting to smush because some little girl broke his heart. This isn’t the first time he’s done this and it’s not fair. Im only good when it benifits him. Im a little hurt, because he tells me how he can’t find a girl and he’s giving up slowly but am i not in front of him?
But he’s the only thing i have thats anywhere close to something real, and honestly i don’t mind pretending. For a little while, i feel wanted; i feel needed!!
